I was so exhausted when I went to bed last night. I’d spent the evening pretending to watch TV with my wife when I was actually googling symptoms of various serious medical conditions my mind has convinced me that I have.
Head feels like it’s in a vice grip due to an emerging sinus infection. My gut is inflamed, belly bloated and gassy from a sudden bout of the recurring IBS that pops up for days on end when I eat the wrong things, or take OTC meds like mucinex or ibuprofen, both of which bother my sensitive digestive system.
I have a doctor’s appointment coming up the day after tomorrow, which I’ve already rescheduled once and am thinking of rescheduling again. I had made it because I was concerned about unintended weight loss that occurred after a bout with the stomach flu in January, but since I originally made the appointment I’ve gained six lbs, so I’m not worried about that so much anymore. And I don’t want to be a hypochondriac.
I’m tossing and turning as an annoying, repetitive dream about…total fucking nonsense stays with me as I drift in and out of consciousness.
I’m worried about myself, worried something is wrong and I won’t be able to take care of my wife, who is afflicted with chronic illness, need to be strong for her… worried about bills, work, etc etc etc. Worried about being poor. I’m a nobody with nothing. Unwelcome thoughts about pop culture and current events that my brain has unintentionally absorbed swirl about in my head, like a thousand annoying voices chattering away in the background.
It was hot out yesterday, and now it’s cold, but I’m still hot, so I take off my blanket and now I’m cold. I pull the covers back over me and now I’m hot again.
Snippets of random songs I’ve never liked loop over and over in my head, but with the lyrics slightly altered in some cases.
I said baby…it’s 3AM and I’m feeling horny.
I’m growing increasingly agitated and paranoid.
I wanna know what love is, I want you to blow me.
I keep checking the time, trying to determine how much sleep I can still get if I go to sleep right now.
The dream continues, the song snippets continue to loop, over and over again.
Is there a God? If I die, will I go to hell? So much to do when I wake up, the house is a mess and I’m not prepared for any impending catastrophe that might befall us, I’ve gotta do this and this and this and this…my parents are gonna die someday. Chloe Kardashian. Do I have liver failure? No, silly, you’d have jaundice. Hey Alexa. Geico. Vikings. Is the front door locked?People arguing, hating each other, suffering and dying…too many people in the world… Barbara Bush is dead. The theme from Roseanne. iOS update. Donald Trump. I have to pee.
It’s 3AM and I’m feelin’ hoooooornay…
Get the fuck outta my head, matchbox 20!
I wanna know what love is…ARRRRGH!
Get up to pee and get a drink, take an anxiety pill, go to wash my hands and I stare at a bottle of apple cider vinegar on the kitchen counter wondering if it’s soap. I don’t understand what I’m looking at. My neural synapses or whatever won’t connect.
I resign myself to the fact that I’m not going to get any more “sleep” as the dogs begin to bark for their breakfast.
My anxiety med is starting to kick in now, and I feel weird as fuck and I don’t know where this post is going, but that’s ok…it’s meant to express my mind’s chaotic state of unrest caused by OCD-related anxiety and physical illness working in tandem. I feel like my brain is infected. It’s hard to articulate what I want to say, what it is I’m truly feeling. I suppose I could sum it up with two words:
I hope today is a good day.