Grammar Nazis

(Grammar Nazi Easter eggs ahead. Lots of grammatically incorrect stuff, both obvious and subtle, for y’all to pick apart and chew on.)

Some grammar Nazis are Nuremberg-worthy, and some are just following orders. They’re all Nazis, though.

And those Nazis had better keep their shit tight, because there are few things more satisfying than correcting a grammar Nazi when the opportunity presents itself. Doesn’t happen often, so I implore you to strike hard and show no mercy.

“Autocorrect!” they’ll cry, as they reset the Nintendo or flip over the monopoly board and stomp out of the “room” in a huff, all the while ranting and raving about you being a cheater.

Look, it’s great to be “grammar aware.” And the apostrophe thing, yeah, it really BOTHER’S me too. But if someone is attempting to communicate something to you via text, and there’s a punctuation mistake somewhere in the body of of that text, why do you feel the need to call attention to it?

It’s like, trumpets blowing, horses snorting and shitting as the procession comes to a halt and King Grammar descends the silk-padded steps of his ornate pumpkin-shaped carriage… A scroll is unfurled, and a mighty bellow cuts through the silence:

“Hear ye, hear ye! Apostrophe “s” is possessive!”

Please shut the fuck up. Did you understand what was being said? Ok then, retain that knowledge and move along.

I don’t point it out when people make apostrophe errors because what happens when I fuck up and don’t notice that my autocorrect has made me look like a fool? All of the people I’d ever corrected would escape from the Ghostbusters basement containment unit and terrorize the city. Dozens of hot dog carts would be turned on their sides. Uber drivers would crash into fire hydrants. It would be chaos, anarchy, dogs and cats shooting up schools together(modern touch).

Anyways, it’s good to be grammatically knowledgeable, but it isn’t always necessary to be grammatically correct.

Let’s talk about grammar as it pertains to writing. I see people writing this boring-ass dialogue that sounds nothing like the way people actually talk. They’re applying these strict rules to a gas station attendant character who in real life might only speak to customers in grunts and nods, annoyed that he’s been distracted from an article in the latest issue of Chickens about pullet priming.

Write what sounds good. Write what sounds real. The guy behind the desk at Hertz who is handing you the keys to a 2016 Camry isn’t going to spout off a bunch of hoity-toity pseudo philosophical rhetoric like Randall from Clerks. He’s a great character and all, and I love those movies, but Kevin Smith puts himself into every character in them. Everybody’s witty and edgy and knows that Bill Finger’s rightful legacy as the co-creator of Batman was usurped by Bob Kane, who allegedly stole all of the glory(and money)for himself.

He does this well, though, and it’s part of why people love his films. He’s a funny guy, and we’re getting good stuff. Doesn’t really work as well when other people try to do that; it’s more of an exception to the norm.

So basically, when you correct someone in everyday convo, you’re Randall but not funny. You like to throw pennies on train tracks and hope it causes the train to go careening off into a ditch while you watch, laugh and wait for the news crews to arrive so that you can be on TV as a witness to the tragedy.

That’s what you do to conversational flow when you’re a dick about grammar and spelling.

“So Charlene had to go the hospital the other day, there going to prescribe her some kinda pill’s for her headaches.”

“First of all, it’s “their,” not “there. Sigh. Also, *pills.”

Just stop it. I got first place in my district spelling bee in fifth grade. I can spell. People don’t often get the opportunity to correct me, so it isn’t usually an issue. But I’m speaking on behalf of those who aren’t good spellers. They have to listen to your bullshit, and you keep doing it because they’re too polite to kick you in the balls(or vagina)and it’s annoying. I suck at math and I know I suck at math. I don’t need the math gestapo carting me off to a multiplication camp.

If I’m using grammar wrong and one of these people calls me on it, and I’m unaware of it, I value the criticism. It’s helpful. Most of the time, however, I’m fully cognizant of what I’m doing and the input is politely acknowledged and ignored. This is all about texts, social media, etc. Mind your own grammar, because I’m watching. And when I see you jumping all over someone because of some minor error that doesn’t prevent me from understanding what’s being said, I’m going to catch you saying something “wrong” as well, and exploit it.

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