Let’s try this again

I came home from the hospital yesterday and wrote a blog post that basically depicted me as fearlessly facing death and refusing to back down, chasing it back into the darkness from whence it came.

But that’s not accurate. That was Percocet-fueled pep-talk bullcrap. Truth is, I did face death, but I was scared, and I feel somewhat vulnerable and helpless. Thanks to God and skilled surgical staff, as well as at least some amount of self-determination, I’m on the mend, but I’m still scared, and I can’t lift anything for two weeks, and that is terrifying to me because I’m not used to being delicate. I’m used to being strong. This is challenging my ego and my sense of identity and it’s really tough. I don’t want pain pills, and I’m taking them only when absolutely necessary. I don’t like not being able to drive. In order to get back to being how I want to be, though, I’ve got to let my ego take a backseat for awhile and allow assistance.

Life is more fragile than we think it is, and I’m awake to that fact now. Never take basic human functions for granted, because one can lose them in an instant.

Tuesday morning, I was fine. I got up, ate breakfast, went to work, etc. by midday I had mildly bothersome stomach cramps. By 9pm I was on my knees groaning in agony. By 10 I was shitting what looked like red velvet cake mix. It was like something out of a horror movie.

The surgeon at the ER said if I’d waited six more hours I could’ve died.

Fast forward to Sunday, and I’m stable, I’m up and walking around and showing far more resiliency and progress than expected, and the surgeon was quite pleased when he visited with me yesterday before discharging me from the hospital. Said I’m doing great and I’ll be better and back to normal in no time.

I can’t sit here and brag and take credit like “look at how tough I am.” That’s wrong. My strength comes from elsewhere. I can’t take full credit for it, and therefore I deleted my original post and wrote this.

Take care of yourselves. Listen to your bodies. I’m glad I did. Don’t hesitate to go to the ER when you know you need to.

I care about politics and petty bickering even less now than I did before this. It all seems so dumb. We’re all human beings and life is a gift. We all take part in squandering it.

One of the lowest points of my life was when I woke up at 2am in a pool of my own shit, and struggled to get out of bed and untangle myself from all my wires and tubes to take off my robe without unplugging anything. Then I shit down my leg. I was doped up and had no control and was in extreme pain. I had these loudass hiccups that brought up throat-burning acid and I was miserable, calling into the intercom for help. I had to let someone help me and I hated it. Sometimes we all need help, though. It’s ok. Nobody is Superman.

15 thoughts on “Let’s try this again

  1. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this ❤
    I was in hospital a few months ago, it's still fresh in my mind. The indignity stays with you.
    I really hope you heal soon, and I'm rooting for you ❤ ❤

  2. Btw the other post was basically me presenting myself as wolverine telling the grim reaper to fuck off because I’m so badass and resilient but too much of that mentality isn’t going To do me any favors, ya know? Lol. Got a little carried away. Being humbled a little can be positive.

  3. Hahaha love it ^ ^
    Wordpress did a weird thing with that post and said I wasn’t authorised to view it – I was like, if you say so WordPress. Jeez.
    I’ll try and find it without going in reader 😀

  4. Dear Patrick, this was hard to read. But also humbling and raw and real. I need these reminders now and again. I hope even through the pain and healing, you will be able to find some solace in reading and creating. Much love to you, ~tara

  5. Thank you, I really appreciate that. And I know you enjoy my writing and that means a lot to me, the sincere feedback. All I want to do is have that effect on people and create something of real substance and your comments mean a lot!

  6. I’ve said it before, if you wrote full length novels, you would be my absolute favorite author of all. But you hold a very very close second to my number one, who has held that spot for oh about fifteen years now 😉

  7. Oh, I made it private. I didn’t really feel comfortable not even being fully out of the fire and doing a cocky victory dance, in retrospect. Lol. I don’t want to be one of those people who projects false bravado while everyone secretly thinks “Aw, bless his heart,” lol. Definitely room for positivity and confidence, but not this “Look how much of a badass I am” toxic bullshit. It’s not really who I am and I’m not let myself gonna pretend it is.

  8. Catheter, that’s horrifying. I can imagine! I’m glad the issue was suitably rectified. My dad had neurosurgery that same day, then I had the sudden emergency and so my mom had to hear that both her son and husband were having serious surgeries the same day, poor lady. And I can’t even visit my dad. He had a cyst successfully removed from his pituitary gland.

  9. Yeah, I’ve only written the two. Short stories really hit the spot for me, but I’m gonna get around to doing a full-length. I’m thinking of doing an autobiography of my Kryuss character. That particular anthology he’s been a part of is designed to set up all these launchpads for full-lengths. Who knows what I might write while I’m off work a month? I may finish up the two anthologies I’m working on. I’ll certainly wrap up the story I’m doing for your anthology first, and soon, probably this week.

  10. Yeah, I feel like I could really just let loose with that and come up with an interesting early life for him. I enjoy writing his thoughts and dialogue.

  11. Oh my God, I’m glad you’re okay. It does take these brushes with death to make us appreciate life. That was my experience almost a year ago when I got stuck between the police and an idiot with a gun. But I think these close encounters with death really do make us appreciate life more, and there is strength to be found in that.

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