I wanted to title this article “You’re wearing that mask wrong, dummy,” but ignorance doesn’t necessarily equate stupidity, so that’s a little harsh.

Come on, though, people: If there’s ever been a time to put that spongy scoop of macaroni salad inside of your cranium to work for your own self-preservation, it’s now.

So I go into the grocery store today, right? First day of bereavement after my dad’s death, and we need some food. I went to the Homeland at Britton and North May, which is where a lot of people from Nichols Hills shop, so of course they’re all privileged enough to have access to masks. Me, all I got is gloves and old T-shirts to wrap around my face like a terrorist.

Anyhoo, as a person afflicted with OCD for 40 years, I notice things. What I most noticed during my trip to Homeland was that nine out of ten people had masks on. Great! Right? Hear me out, though.

Most people were using them wrong. I saw one woman with her nose sticking out over the top of hers, and I saw a guy lifting his, with fingers he’d presumably touched potentially contaminated surfaces with, to speak. I saw another man continually adjust his, using gloves, but gloves that he , again, had most likely worn while touching stuff that everyone else has touched.

Those masks are now trash. You’re now just sealing those cute little Sars 2: Pandemic Boogalo viruses in. They’re going to crawl right up your nose and nail a framed “home sweet home” picture on the wall.

When used improperly, masks and gloves offer nothing but a false sense of security. You can’t put gloves on, go into a store, touch everything, and touch your face. You can’t use non-disposable gloves and just toss them in your purse or stuff them in your pocket. If you touch one thing in public, say, a gas pump, a credit card pad or a door handle, you must assume your hands are crawling with corona. Those germs are on those gloves, and now they’re on your mask and on your face. Congratulations, you’re infected!

Be conscientious. Be self-aware. Be cognizant of your every movement and action while in public. Avoid people. Move as far away as possible from others, and don’t engage in idle chit chat. Don’t talk at all, if possible. Get in, get out, and if you’re going to wear a mask, leave it alone!